My Testimony

Some of my favorite memories of my mother are the times when I was about five years old, and she taught me about God. I remember questioning her over and over (you know how children like to ask questions!), “Can God do this? Can God do that?” And her answer was always yes. These are some of my earliest memories of learning who God is.

My mother would put me to bed at night and, for a while, she would have me pray for every person that I knew. I remember naming off family members, neighbors, and every kid in my Kindergarten class that I could remember. I had begun my first communication with God as a child, although my concept of whom I was talking to wasn’t yet fully developed.

When I was around eight years old, my grandmother started taking me to church with her. I remember the first day going with my little brother, and I had to go in the younger class to be with him! Eventually, though, he stopped going, and I was in my appropriate class. Every class seemed like a chore to me. The only thing I looked forward to was snack time! I couldn’t stand the other kids always flexing their knowledge of the Bible in front of me. I was just ready to go home.

Over the years, my cousin and I got into a bunch of trouble at that church. Before our Sunday school teacher would get there, we would hide behind the couch in the classroom so that she didn’t think anyone was in class. Then she would leave and we would have the classroom to ourselves (it was a small church). One time while another boy was there, we even started a war in our classroom. My cousin and I were hiding behind the couch, the other boy was hiding behind the table, and we were throwing just about everything we could find across the room at each other! All kinds of craft supplies, such as sequins, beads, and even a stapler became a projectile weapon. Then our teacher walked in…yikes! Her face was red with anger, and she growled, “WHAT…DID YOU…DO!?” We were then reprimanded and told to clean the room by the time she got back.

Despite all the trouble I got in during my time at that church, that was the most serious punishment I can remember receiving for my actions. I never experienced a whole lot of spiritual growth while I was there. It was more like a social club; it was just a way to get out of the house on Sunday mornings. For this reason, I don’t think I could honestly say I spent much time drawing near to the Lord. In fact, I didn’t even know the Lord for most of the time I was there.

When I got a little older and entered middle school, my life spiraled out of control. During this time, I was really struggling in my faith. I just thought I had to believe in God because I was supposed to. But when I lost most of my friends due to my unpopularity in the seventh grade, and a lot of people that I knew were turning from their faith, the depression I fell into became so deep that I couldn’t see God at all. I had no hope. Where once was a cheerful spirit that longed to make people laugh, now was a deep void that I could not fill. I turned to rock music because I felt like the sorrowful lyrics were the only thing that could sympathize with me. I neglected to realize that my own self-image was being manipulated by these same lyrics I found solace in.

I began to hate myself so much. I would punish myself through self-infliction such as cutting/scratching my own flesh, and running my hands under really hot water. I relied on the endorphins released from this pain being inflicted as my source of happiness. Nothing else in my life made me happy, and no one seemed to love me, so I could find nothing wrong with it. I quit going to church for a while.

Then my grandfather died. My grandfather was my hero; he was my favorite person in the world. Having to watch him die of cancer was a harrowing experience for me. In the midst of all the confusing self-hatred I was suddenly feeling, I now had to deal with the death of a much cherished loved one. All of this was so hard for me to handle, but the most gripping fear that now had a hold of me was this: “If there is no God, I will never see Grandpa again.”

Eventually, I came to terms with this, and knew that, for the sake of any chance of my grandfather ever wrapping me up in his arms again, I must believe. While these are not proper motives for belief in God, it was all I had to hold onto at the time.

So I started going back to church. It was that same old church, but I was now getting more involved in “youth group” activities. I still really struggled with self-esteem, and I remember running out of a classroom to cry in the bathroom one time, because I hated myself so much. My teacher came in after me and hugged me, telling me that I was wrong about myself. She denied to me my claims that I was “a loser” and tried to reinforce my worth. I feel bad for the kinds of things that she had to put up with because of me, and I still get the nagging feeling that she doesn’t like me because of it. That’s probably not true, but I’m glad that she made it her mission to see me through her program before she quit teaching. Her perseverance was, to say the least, quite impressive.

Soon my youth group was going to be taking a trip to a Christian concert that was scheduled to happen after a local baseball game. I just wanted to go for the game (I’ve played softball for most of my life, so I thought it would be awesome) and I guess I didn’t care much about the band. I had never listened to any kind of worship music before, so I didn’t really know what to expect.

Well, the game ended, and then a flat-bed truck rolled out into right field, and we gathered over into that side of the stands to watch the band perform on this redneck stage. I sat there in my short denim skirt, black pantyhose, chunky tennis shoes and probably a dark T-shirt, peering through the hair I used to hide my face, with an apathetic attitude towards the whole thing. I was hoping they’d at least be some kind of rock band, preferably one that screamed so much you couldn’t understand the lyrics.

That’s not what I got, though. Thankfully! Haha.

The band was called Echoing Angels. They began singing the first songs about Jesus that I had ever heard (besides the boring hymns I couldn’t stand at church, which I would sometimes lip sync to, at most), and I was surprisingly excited throughout the whole thing. For the first time in a while, I found myself smiling and truly happy. After their concert was over, I begged my granny for $10 so that I could buy their CD. She finally gave in, and I snatched it up, took it home, and didn’t open it. The next day, I hardly cared for it. It was a while before I actually started to feel bad about my filthy life and try to convince myself that I was okay by listening to Christian music.

So I popped the CD in and listened to the whole CD all the way through. All I can remember was sitting in my bedroom floor, crying because I never realized God could actually care about me. I always imagined Him as some immobile being sitting up in the clouds watching everything happen. I had no idea of the extent of God’s power, or even His character at all. No one had ever effectively expressed God’s love to me before, but the music moved me so much.

Some particular lyrics that stood out to me a lot were from a song called “You Alone,” which read:
You alone are God.
I am Yours and You’re mine,
And I know the heavens will call out Your Name if I don’t.

Here is the song. They had some fantastic music back then, but they have a new singer now and their style has changed. I will always cherish this album, though, for how it affected my life, and because it was the first thing that really spoke to me about God’s love.



Somehow, I think that God was communicating to me through these lyrics, “Regardless of whether or not you believe in Me, I’m still here, and I will still be worshipped. If you don’t worship Me, then you’re really missing out on what My people will be doing in your place.” For some reason, this affected me so deeply. I think my faith was a little more on track after that, but not close to what it should have been.

Youth activities became a more regular thing for me, and I attended Sunday school as often as I could. I felt bad if I ever missed a day. During July of 2010, my youth group took a trip to Fort Collins, Colorado, for a National Youth Conference for the Church of the Brethren. Little did I know that this would be the trip in which I would give my life to Jesus.

At this conference were about 3,000 teenagers. People my age. I was surrounded by my peers and it was an incredible experience. When I looked at the schedule, though, and saw how often I was going to have to spend an hour or so in a stadium with all of these people in a worship service, my enthusiasm faded. That was so boring! I didn’t want to do that! I wanted to just stay in my room instead.

I was stupid. I had no idea how powerful these worship services would be. Let me reiterate this: THERE WERE THREE THOUSAND PEOPLE IN THIS STADIUM, and we were ALL worshiping the Lord at the SAME TIME! While this might not sound significant, I cannot stress enough how AMAZING it is to have that many people around you, all praising Jesus at the same time! It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before, or since. I still get a glimpse of that feeling when I’m worshiping in smaller groups, but with so many people, it was just WOW! Just imagine how WONDERFUL it would be if we all came together and worshiped Jesus at the same time, in the same place! I guess that’s one reason why heaven is going to be so amazing!!

Anyway, that was pretty awesome (and the food was really good, too!). I can’t remember a whole lot of the trip, other than embarrassing myself in a 5k and spending enough souvenir money to have like $8 worth of change! Haha. However, the memory that stood out to me the most was on July 20, 2010. That was the day that I experienced the overpowering presence of God for the first time.

That night, they were holding an anointing service during evening worship. The lights were dimmed and we were only able to see by candle light. It had created a peaceful, welcoming atmosphere; however, I was not sure if I wanted to participate.

I had never heard of anointing oil before. I didn’t know what kind of spiritual thing I was getting into if I went down to the floor of the stadium. There were probably fifteen to thirty adults down there with candles and oil, and half of my group members went down to do it, but I was hesitant. I decided I didn’t want to go. But out of nowhere, I got this overwhelming impulse to go, like someone in my head was screaming, “Go do it, before you lose your chance!” So I went.

I joined my group members and stood in line for the lady closest to us. I had been feeling an emotional strain during the early parts of the trip from being homesick and feeling lonely, but when I got to the front of the line, I felt calm. The lady asked me what my name was and asked me if there was anything in my life that was bothering me. I might have mentioned how I was feeling to her, but I can’t totally remember what I said. Then she rubbed the oil on my head in the shape of a cross and anointed me in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I really wish I could remember exactly what she said. Then she prayed for me and gave me a hug. Once all of that was over, I had the most profound experience of my life.

Immediately, I was embraced by an overwhelming emotion that I couldn’t understand. I felt more love during that one moment than I had collectively experienced in the rest of my life, but was simultaneously filled with grief and remorse. I realized God was showing me His love. He was surrounding me; I could feel it. I suddenly felt so unworthy of His presence. My body began to tremble uncontrollably, tears poured down my face, and I begged God for forgiveness. I knew He had sacrificed so much for me, and I was undeserving of His grace, but He loved me anyway - enough to DIE for me!

It felt as if I were standing in a trance. I no longer noticed the floor beneath my feet. Everything around me was muffled and blurred. The only sensation that I could recognize was God’s presence. I was given a small glimpse of His holiness, which was so immense that I nearly fell to the ground. The GREATNESS of God made me realize how SMALL I am in comparison! I was so microscopic in that moment, and I know that I still am. But nothing I say could ever replicate the realness of that connection with God.

I wobbled back to my seat and WEPT. And when I say wept, I mean that I literally could not stop bawling my eyes out! I tried! But I was so consumed that I didn’t care what the people around me were probably thinking. God touched me, and I could never express how wonderful that was! The passion in my soul was like fire!

I went back home refreshed in spirit. The way I felt was so worth not getting to go on the family trip to Cedar Point to ride roller coasters! I would not trade that experience in for anything. I love my Saviour so much!!!

Unfortunately, over the course of finishing high school, I became very backslidden. I was still into my worldly music, and my day-to-day life had very little to do with God. Most of the people I spent the majority of my time with weren’t Christians. I hardly ever prayed and I was using curse words, sinning all the time, and planned on doing other things that I’m glad God protected me from (such as getting a bunch of piercings! Ew!).

It got to the point where I was so tired of being me again. I knew that I wasn’t doing things right. I had anger in my heart every day. I had little to no compassion for others, and I felt trapped in sin. I would start to pray night after night for God to make me a better person. I began to think He never would.

I started working at Family Christian Stores a few months after I gave my life to Jesus. I enjoyed the Christian environment and I loved the people that I worked with. After I had been working there for a while, a guy named Joel started working there. I’ll never forget the first time I met him; I was visiting the store after getting Chinese food, and I had a leftover eggroll I didn’t want. I tried to give it to my assistant manager, but she acted like I was trying to make her gain weight and wouldn’t take it! So I walked up to Joel (who had never met me) and said, “Here! Do you want this eggroll?” He looked so confused! But he took it and thanked me. Then I realized he must have thought I was some weirdo, so I informed him that I worked there!

Over the course of the next year, I started working with Joel more and more. And, boy, I couldn’t stand him! He would always get on my nerves by quoting the Bible all the time, and making me feel bad for not knowing it as well as him. One day, he was making me so mad because he responded to everything I said with a Bible verse. It was making me feel so bad that I just gave up and said, “Ugh! Joel, you make me want to kill myself!”

His response was, “Thou shalt not kill!”

I was SO mad, but at the same time I was starting to laugh! While his super-Christian attitude got on my nerves all the time, I was certainly intrigued by his knowledge of and desire for God.
I began to grow closer and closer to Joel, and he encouraged me a lot in growing in the Lord. He would teach me things about the Bible that I had never known (because I would never read it). One of the most awesome things that he did during that time was invite me to go out and do street evangelism with him and a large group of people. It was an amazing experience! I never thought that I would be one of those people standing out there, making a fool of herself preaching the Gospel to the lost. However, until I experienced it firsthand, I never would have understood how spiritual it truly is. You can always feel God near when you’re sharing the Gospel with the lost. And, up until that point, I had never heard the truth of the Gospel in such a way that I could understand it and explain it to others.

Through joining everyone in evangelism on Friday nights, I became a lot closer with Joel and his family. It wasn’t long before I realized I was in love with him. It hit me that he was one of my best friends, and my greatest encourager in getting to know God more. I prayed one night and asked God, if He didn’t already have someone more special planned for Joel, could I have him?

And, praise God, His answer was yes! Little did I know, Joel had also prayed the same prayer, asking God for me. We knew we were meant for each other before we even confessed our feelings towards one another. On July 31, 2012, we decided to commit ourselves to one another, and we have begun a biblically-based courtship with the intention of marriage. Through this, I have gotten to know many strong Christians and have learned so much. The fellowship you have with other true believers in the Bible will strengthen you so much! Joel had given me a King James Bible, and up until I started studying it, I had no idea how different it is from newer versions. Once I grew out of my NIV and NKJV, I was able to grow off of the strong meat of the KJV! As I grew in the Lord, I shed the weight of many habitual sins, carnal music, immodest dress, etc. and my relationship with God became stronger and stronger! My eyes were opened to a lot of things I hadn’t seen before, because my sin was in the way. I realized that God had answered my prayers after all.

I now strive to walk in holiness and serve my God diligently. It can be hard sometimes due to the spiritual warfare associated with following Jesus, but every day, with Jesus’ help, I’m learning how to deal with the things that the enemy throws my way. I am a warrior for Jesus Christ, I believe every word in my Bible, and I take very seriously Jesus’ command to go into all the world and preach the Gospel to every creature. Jesus has become my life and my love, and I have been isolated from many people because of it. But that’s the price of living for God – you have to lose the world.